Dec 31

Dec 31 2017: You Were The Real MVP.

Last year I wrote a post on my old site titled, "Don't Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out 2016".

I had had and interesting year, with a terrible end. I felt trapt, unhappy, and misunderstood. Over anything else, I couldn't wait for 2016 to end, and the new year to begin. All I wanted was a fresh start in a new year, and after the year I had just made it through, I wanted to make 2017 the best year yet.

I remember sitting at the Independent Ale House in downtown Rapid City, South Dakota. I remember the small wooden table in front of the empty bar, where I sat with my boyfriend at the time, and one of his best friends. I enjoyed spending my time with them, but in this moment I struggled to ignore the thought that it just wasn't enough anymore. It wasn't enough to keep me happy. It wasn't enough to distract me from my dreams that I had unintentionally put on hold, but couldn't stop thinking about. It wasn't enough to make me stay in South Dakota anymore. I sat there quietly; listening to the crowd a block away count down to the new year, and watching the ball drop in New York's Time Square from the flat screen behind the bar. I sat there quietly, and made a promise to myself. This year would be different, and this time, I meant it.

UPDATE: 2017 was different, and i loved it.

You have to loose some, to win some.

It wasn't all sunshine and confetti though. The second 12AM on January 1st, 2017 happened, my life did not spin itself into some other universe where I instantly had everything I ever wanted. The first few months were actually very, VERY difficult. I went back and fourth A LOT. I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I had to do to get it, but taking those first steps was terrifying, and so, so hard.

I had been low before, and I had dug myself out of it alone, and quietly, with little to no victims. But this was a whole new battle, and I knew that in order to dig myself out of the sadness, I had to cause some sadness to the people I was closest to. And that wrecked me. I spent most of my time pacing around, at work and at home, stuck in my head. I tried so hard to figure out a way to go for what I wanted without causing any pain to anyone. It consumed me, exhausted me, and ripped me in two; thinking back to it still makes my heart heavy, I still feel the clawing at my throat. Every little thought I came up with, only ate away at the happiness I was foreseeing in my future, and so eventually I gave in, and I lost the fight for the hearts I cared so much about.

When you stop hiding in comfort, and start taking steps forward.

Though the first few months were hard, I spread the last 365 days out on the carpet in front of me, and it's clear to me that I did in fact make 2017 one of the best years yet. I packed all my belongings into my car, and moved on to start life anew. I moved halfway across the country, and then moved again to be on my own. I was unemployed for two months, and still managed to live comfortably with my savings. I have made myself a new home, and filled it with the sound of new friends, and old. I kayaked among the lily pads, and froze on the back of a motorcycle going over the cascade mountains. I went to huge concerts in Seattle, and small local improv shows. I ate gravy fries on the islands, and Korean BBQ in Shoreline. Food festivals in the big city, and huge fairs in the small towns. I attended an NFL game, and I've seen more fireworks in one year than I ever have. I have driven back home to South Dakota, and gotten stuck behind multipule Bison. I’ve come to terms that I am way more South Dakota then I thought, and I actually like it that way. I got lost on my way here, and I got lost on my way back. I attended my best friends wedding, and danced in the light of a bonfire. I have wandered a maze of a million Christmas lights, and been awe struck by the sight of a harbor full of lit up boats. I have woken to the sound of seagulls, and to cotton candy skies. I have enjoyed holidays with family that I have never gotten to before, and missed family that I am used to. I have rediscovered an old love, and let down my heavy guarded walls. I have not lost my love for others, but I have gained more love for myself.

Now the year is done. Thank you 2017, for being exactly what I needed, and for being the beginning of what I've always wanted. Here's to 2018: "12 new chapters, 365 new chances." Here we go into the new, a little stronger, and a little wiser.

Last years resolution: Spend more time caring for my own happiness. - Go for the things that I want, even if it's the hardest thing I've ever done. (CHECK!)

This years resolution: Start taking more care of my body & mind. - Be healthier, and spend more time outside... even if it's cold.