Shit No One Ever Tells You About Grieving.

I was only fifteen years old when I lost my best friend, my first love. I know, I Know, I was too young to know what love is, but if there was a meter to measure how much a fifteen year old CAN love, it would have exploded. He was my favorite person. We went through SO MUCH together, and always had each others backs, no matter what our situation was. I'm not going to go through the whole story right here, but if your up to it, after the list I'll share one of my favorite memories with him.

Anyways, fate had it's own ideas for him, and so he was taken from us, far to early. Eight years ago today, I awoke to the worst phone call of my life. I had never cried like that. Nothing can ever prepare you for that kind of pain. (I think I'd rather give birth. I've never tried it, but at least something good comes out of it.) Please don't think that making this list, means I think I'm some kind of expert. I'm certainly no therapist. I just wanted to leave this here in case anyone is interested, or needs to be reminded that their feelings are totally normal.

Here's some shit no one ever warned you about:

1. It will NEVER be "okay". I will only get easier to deal with. Whoever came up with the phrase "It'll be okay.", and decided that was an acceptable thing to say to someone that is experiencing a loss, needs to be exiled from any human contact. Forever. Also, you are not in the wrong for agreeing with the previous statement.
2. No one knows what you are going through. (or no two people grieve the same exact way.) People will always try to relate. It's the closest anyone can get to understanding the feelings of someone who is grieving. But your relationship with that one person is only for the two of you, and no one else will fully understand it. It's okay to be frustrated, but don't go pushing people away, you'll need them in the long run.
3. The world DOES continue to spin. It WILL move forward, with or without you, and nothing will ever be the same. It's one of life's biggest tests. PRO TIP: the memories will help you through. PRO TIP #2: Picturing them happy, and surrounded by loved ones in whatever "world" you believe they end up in, will help. PRO TIP #3: Shrines will not.
4. Things will happen all the time, that make you think they are messing with you. (maybe this one is just me?) I was never really big into supernatural stuff, but I swear, I can just picture him laughing his ass off at me.
5. No one will have the right words to say, just acknowledge that they are trying. Do you ever know what to say to someone who is grieving? No, not really. You won't even know what YOU want people to say to you. It's awkward (especially in person), but no one wants to be the asshole that doesn't say anything. Just please don't say "It'll be okay". Okay?
6. Give yourself time. It's going to hurt like hell, and there's nothing you can do about it. Don't let anyone tell you when you are done feeling anything for a lost loved one. Be angry. Be sad. Feel all the feelings. Seriously, get it out of your system. There is no time limit on this, so just take a moment (or a day/week/month/year/ect.) to accept this unmerciful reality, and really FEEL it. Honestly, I didn't leave my bedroom, besides for dinner, for about a week. I didn't brush my hair, or my teeth. I didn't shower, or change my clothes. I didn't even see the light of day until my mother finally drug me out of the house, just to go wander around Shopko. (She said it was for errands, but I know it was just to get me out of the house.) Then, when you're ready, remember #3 on this list, and start finding your way back into your life. 

~

The Search For Scissorhands.

     Fyve was the first person to turn me on to Tim Burton movies. He collected them, and it didn't take long before I started my own collection as well. One night, on the way to our local WalMart, he found out that I had never seen Edward Scissorhands, and he just could not live with that. Suddenly, I had created a new mission, completely by accident. When we arrived at the super mart, our friends headed for their own items, while Fyve and I headed straight for the movie section. (Remember when WalMart actually had a movie section?) He was determined. We weren't leaving without that movie. 

     After a quick scan of the the aisles, Fyve asked an employee if they had a copy of Edward Scissorhands. They did. The WalMart employee pointed us toward one of those big discounted movie bins. I was ready to throw in the towel, but one look at Fyve, and I knew he had already accepted the challenge ahead. He looked at me, and grinned. "First one to find it wins!" 

     We dug through that movie bin for almost an hour, digging tunnels, pushing movies into each others tunnels, laughing when the stacks fell, and rating the movies that we picked up. The employees got a kick out of it too, walking by every few minutes to ask if we had found it yet. Finally, I uncovered it at the very bottom. I held it up in the air in triumph. The victory was sweet, but I didn't feel like I had won against Fyve, so much as I felt like I had won against fate. Either way, the WalMart employees where impressed. We were so excited, we actually stuck around a bit longer, and picked up every Tim Burton movie we could find in the store.

     We met our friends at the front of the store, by the registers, carrying arm-fulls of movies, and laughing so hard it hurt.

Rest Peacefully, My Dearest friend.