Shit I Used To Put Up With Until I Started Loving Myself.
Oh yes, here I am, putting my two cents out into this Self Love preaching world. Not that it’s a bad thing, I mean, if there has to be one thing that everyone is so gung-ho about, self love is not a bad choice. I didn’t really love myself as a kid; I thought that was just something you gave to others. It wasn’t until I had drained myself, that I started to realize you have to have love, to properly give it. That’s when I started quitting. I slowly, one by one, started to quit doing the things that drained me, and gave nothing positive in return.
This, Is A “Quits” List:
Feeling like I wasn’t worth much, and believing it. I was pretty good at this, for quite a while. I couldn’t picture a future, because I couldn’t imagine a purpose for myself. What the hell was I even here for? I thought I was such a burden. It was poison, and completely defeating- certainly didn’t help with anything else in my life. ~Everybody is worth something to some one, and if you want to be worth something to yourself, you have to live YOUR life however makes you happiest.~
Letting people influence my choices. With no purpose, I didn’t know who I was supposed to be. (You rarely do when you’re young.) So I let other people decide what kind of mold I should squeeze myself into, and I let the people I admired the most, frame my opinions. For a while, I was just a combined version of the people around me. ~I never really could fit into those molds just right, but there are parts of me that kept some of their shapes. I’ve always felt a little uneven, but it worked out in the end, because a mold that’s a little everywhere- that’s the right kind of mold for me.~
Letting people abuse my "niceness". When I say “niceness”, I mean what other people formed my opinion, of what “niceness” was supposed to be. Somewhere along the line, I became “too nice”, to the point where the people who truly cared, yelled at me for it. I wasn’t a person, I was a door mat- the outside kind, that you use to scrape the mud off the bottom of your shoes with. I had a boyfriend once, who took half of my food, and went to eat it at a separate table with a bunch of other girls. My best friend could get away with anything, and she knew it. ~Try to be equally as nice to yourself, as you are to everyone else, okay? Thank you, next.~
Letting others control me. I went from door mat to personal slave, when my best friend gained an ego. It was sometime after she started dating my ex, the major one, and got away with it fight free, that she must’ve realized I wasn’t about to drop her that easily. I’ve always been forgiving. She pushed the limits though. It was almost a year and a half in, before I realized that I was working my ass off, doing things I didn’t want to do, to make her life easier, because I was afraid of being kicked to the curb. ~1. This is not friend behavior. 2. There is a big difference between being nice, and being a push-over. 3. NEVER again.~
Letting my mind get the better of me. Honestly, I am afraid of everything, and when you let fear take the drivers seat, you don’t get to say the things you wish you could have, you don’t get to experience the things that make your heart leap out of your chest. You miss opportunities, and you stunt your growth. Sometimes you spend way to much energy on people who don’t deserve your “niceness”. ~”If you’re afraid, do it scared.”~
Letting people call me names, and believing them. I took that shit to heart. Especially when my mom’s fiance was the source. When it was my peers, it sucked, because I felt like they just didn’t understand me. When it came from inside my home, it coated the walls that were supposed to protect me. ~That guy was an asshole throughout my whole childhood. Then one day I ran into him at a gas station. He stood there trying to sell me on how great he was doing for himself. He told me that he had finally quit drinking. He was standing in the check out line, holding a 24 pack of his usual, Bud Light, while he told me this. Some people are just going to say what they want to say- that doesn’t mean you have to believe them.~
Letting people tell me, “I need to eat a burger”. Bullshit. Another burger is the last thing I need.
Stay happy. Stay Healthy.
Stay Brave.
Love & Rockets,
Danni.
